Taylor Swift’s New Song is Weird

It’s really not ‘Gorgeous.’ Like, at all.

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Taylor Swift is trying to be edgy.

If you haven’t gathered that yet, you may be ignorant, naive, or holding on to the past. The megastar isn’t being coy at all in her transformation, as it seems like she reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally wants people to know she’s no longer projecting the innocent, girl-next-door vibe she used to have in spades. It’s like when someone gets a new hair cut, nobody notices and then they say something like, “notice anything different about me?”

Her newest song is titled “Gorgeous,” which is ironic because the song is anything but. Despite the catchy beat, the lyrics and overall feel are what makes this latest Swift song very weird.

I threw this jawn on during my drive to work because I remember seeing someone tweet about it. I thought, “you know what, even though I didn’t really like ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ or ‘…Ready For It?’ I’m gonna give this the old college try.”

But then the song started playing and I found myself making faces like Jim Halpert to nobody in particular on my commute into Camden.

And I would like to preface this dissection of the song by saying I used to love Taylor Swift, and I’m not kidding. I actually incorporated a Taylor Swift song into asking someone to prom in high school, so yeah, I used to be a big fan.

Her first four albums were really, really good, bordering on fantastic. Her first album was obviously phenomenal, and her follow up was pretty damn good too. “Red” is my favorite, though. Maybe it was because it came out when I was a senior in high school and it’s hard to experience many lows at that point in your life. But ever since she started reinventing herself, I’ve become less fond of her music.

Let’s talk about the name of Swift’s new song first. It’s called “Gorgeous,” which is the exact same name of a song Kanye West, whom Swift is apparently beefing with, released back on his fifth album.

Shade = thrown, I think.

“Gorgeous” is about Taylor and someone she’s experiencing unrequited love for. We’ll call that person “Person X.”

The opening lyrics are “you should take it as a compliment / that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.” That’s quite the way to start a song out. Swift then goes on to say how she’s got a boyfriend who’s older, which is great .

But then things hit the fan when the pre-chorus hits and Swift says, in reference to Person X, “you’ve ruined my life by not being mine.”

That seems like an overreaction, right? Like, if you’re dating someone and then they cheat on you, then yes, that is someone who’s ruined your life. But how can someone ruin your life by literally not being an integral part of it? Is Ezekiel Elliott making my life a little bit less great because he’s not on the Giants? Yes, of course. But he’s certainly not ruining my life the way Person X has “ruined” Taylor Swift’s.

That statement is just flawed. Like, there’s a correlation that Swift’s life may have been ruined by Person X, but there’s no causation.

The chorus of this song may legitimately be one of the worst choruses I’ve ever heard.

“You’re so gorgeous / I can’t say anything to your face
’Cause look at your face / and I’m so furious
At you for making me feel this way / But what can I say?
You’re gorgeous.”

Woof.

There’s a lot to digest there. So Swift has a chance to actually rectify whatever’s bothering her, but chooses not to because Person X is too gorgeous? Bold strategy, Cotton.

The second verse goes on to say how Person X should feel complimented by Swift’s lack of interaction. And then it ends with her saying Person X is so gorgeous that it “actually hurts.”

That’s the lyrical equivalent of “I can’t even,” which is one of the worst three words our generation consistently utters/types.

The second pre-chorus sees Swift say this: “Ocean blue eyes looking in mine / I feel like I might sink and drown and die.” Look, I get that Swift is saying that Person X has some really dreamy eyes. High-school superlative “Best Eyes” type of shit. But are they really that immaculate that she feels like she may suffer the same fate as Jack Dawson?

Swift concludes the bridge of the song by saying “there’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have / guess I’ll just stumble on home to my cats / alone / unless you wanna come along.”

The mentioning of cats feels like a desperate plea by Swift, as if she’s saying “if you don’t like my new style, please know I’m still 2010 Taylor Swift sometimes too.”

Something just feels off about this song.

You could argue this is right in line with Swift’s rhetoric. After all, this is the same artist who wrote a song about breaking up someone’s wedding. But the fact that the once-innocent Swift has gone from “our song is a slamming screen door” to “I’m going to murder you in your sleep, chop up the parts and throw it in the ocean.”

This song is pretty much what would happen if Helga Pataki from “Hey Arnold!” had musical ability and wasn’t trying to hide her feelings for good ol’ Football Head.

And I know there are Swift mega-fans (“Swifties,” is what I believe they’re called) who will automatically love this song just because it has Swift’s name attached to it.

I, personally, think that’s very irrational. Just because you love something or someone doesn’t mean you can’t look at something with a bit of objectivity. Like, I love Odell Beckham Jr., but I can fully understand that he played like rhino poop in the team’s playoff game last January.

“Gorgeous” is just not that good of a song. But still, Swift wants people to know she’s going under a transformation. However, she’s really struggling to succeed at what artists like Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry did so well. Maybe it would behove Swift to stick to her roots.

This song is just not on par with even some of Swift’s most mediocre tracks. Perhaps the real issue is that I can’t seem to locate a purpose for this song. It’s not a song that’ll help you get over a breakup like “Teardrops on My Guitar.” It’s not a song that’s going to help you overcome somebody being a dick like “Mean.” You can’t use this in 22nd birthday posts like “22,” and it ain’t coming on at bars or parties like “Shake it off.”

Talk nonsense with Ryan on Twitter: @ryandisdier
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