The guide to never having a girlfriend and dying alone
Am I the ugliest human being on the planet, or the luckiest?
I’m 24. I’m single. I’m a sports writer. I’m a hard 6.4, but you throw in the personality and the calves I was gifted from my 6-foot-5 peasant of a father and you can raise the number to 6.9 (NICE).
Today, after my daily peer-in-the-mirror, which happens prior to pooping and after burning my eyes because I didn’t put enough contact solution in my lens case, I wondered if not having a significant other stemmed from some physical aspect.
Am I ugly?
Are my ears too big?
Do I not take enough pictures with “the boys” while we wear button downs from Express and hold drinks like some slick cool kids on top of a city building, craving a double-tap on Instagram like a pilgrim at Thanksgiving dinner?
After tossing in an Ed, Edd, and Eddy jawbreaker-sized chaw and sulking at the fact that my Tinder Corsi% is regressing, I came to the realization that I’m not in fact ugly. My Sonic the Hedgehog customized Converse are not, by any means, holding me back from finding “the one.” Opting to stay in on the weekends and eat cheese fries while I watch A Series of Unfortunate Events on the ‘Flix instead of going out — and being extremely content in doing so — is the sole reason why not having a girlfriend absolutely GLEAMS. Really gets you right.
Relationships are a conspiracy, and also a scam, but more so a conspiracy.
Because when you have a girlfriend, you can’t do cool stuff like:
- Bet on sports and get hyped with yourself or your friends
Have you ever tried explaining to a significant other how gambling works? It’s like trying to teach trigonometry to a 4-year-old.
“We have the Packers +4.5 hun.”
“Wait, how is there a half point?”
“Well you see, a smart once decided that pushes are for dweebs.”
“Okay so how much do you need them to win by?”
“OK, listen, we don’t NEED them to win, they can lose, but only by four or less.”
“But what if they win, do they need to by a certain amount?”
And that’s the cliff notes version. There isn’t a single thing better than jamming in the morning workout, piping off a pot of coffee, scoping out lines, and winning money. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Those are your cookies, you earned them
Let me be the first to say that I’m a firm believer in chivalry. I will never, ever, EVER, in a hundred billion years — I don’t give a single duckling if I’m dating a robot — let a female pay for dinner, movie, bowling, etc.
But hey. That money you worked hard for? That backdoor three-pointer from Cal Poly? That’s yours. Buy yourself something nice. The high life.
3. Interacting with others=the WOAT
There was a time in my life when socializing was cool. Now it’s the WOAT, for lack of a better term. Get a girlfriend and you have to go to their parties and meet their friends, and more importantly guy friends who probably lay chalk with the Patriots every weekend because they are squares, albeit huge winners this season (ironic idiots but respect it).
Not to make this solely around betting but imagine a juicy slate of Tuesday night college hoops and your girlfriend is having some sort of dumb philanthropy conspiracy or whatever those sorority girls do nowadays. Like hey, thanks for the free T-shirt from Chi Omega (sewer turtles) but Miami’s been MONEY as an underdog.
4. Laugh at people on Facebook who get/are already married
One of, if not my favorite past time. Damn, Brian and Kelsey tied the knot after being high school sweethearts and breaking up three times junior year because Kelsey wasn’t invited to the guys’ poker night? Sounds terrible tbh. Have fun purchasing vacuums and furniture for the house while I buy coloring books for myself lol IDIOTS! Honestly, sounds terrible. Nice knowing you Brian. While you and Kels are sending out Thank You cards to all your wedding guests I’m watching Hey Arnold. Who wins? TELL ME BRIAN. That’s right. It ain’t you. Or Kelsey.
I think that’s it. Girlfriends are a conspiracy. Work on yourself. Be awesome.
